True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
