You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
