i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
