all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize