He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
