I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
