Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
