I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
