I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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