Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
