I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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