is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
