Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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