The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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