1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
