i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
