I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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