i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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