the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
