I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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