I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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