He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
