If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
