you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
