I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
