I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
