mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
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i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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