My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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