my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
