Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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