I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
