Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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