Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
