I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
