I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
