It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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