I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
