my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is Oprah even human
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize