CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
