apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Two words: blizzard sex
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
