My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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