Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
