He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
