The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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