Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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