I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
