You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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