Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
