just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
