One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
