so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
