When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
