why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
