i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
