Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
