I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
